Mischa Barton: Mistress Of Good Choices

(Note: This would be the part where you would expect to see an apology for not updating this site in a timely manner. But you will get no such fucking thing. I’m going to try to make more frequent updates, the operative word being “try”. If it comes down to posting on this blog, or going out to a local sports bar, chatting up a curly-haired blonde girl with about fifteen extra pounds on her, heading back to my place, and convincing her to let me put my prick in her butt while I yank on her hair like I’m coldstarting a lawnmover, I’m going to go with the vigorous sodomy everytime.)

Former O.C. “star” Mischa Barton was arrested yesterday around 2:45am in Los Angeles on DUI charges. According to the thoroughly entertaining report on TMZ.com:

Cops say she “was seen straddling two lanes of traffic and failed to signal when making a turn.” When deputies pulled her over, they determined that she “was an unlicensed driver and was driving while under the influence of an alcoholic beverage.”

 Before and After

Apparently, HollyScoop broke the story first, but their website takes too fucking long to load.

Some may decry Ms. Barton for participating in such a willfully dangerous act. Others may feel pity for the young “actress”, and offer prayers to Jesus that she see the error of her ways. Fuck those types of people. I wholeheartedly applaud and embrace Ms. Barton’s actions. Anyone who is stupid enough to get loaded and hop behind the wheel of a mobile metal missile is certainly stupid enough to do other irresponsible things.

Like let me penetrate her honey pot with my fingers while a wear a filthy old gardening glove I found in the garage. Or force her to completely mouth my nutsack after I haven’t showered for three days, beating her back raw with a fistful of plastic zip-ties when she doesn’t comply. Or wrap a waytootight dog collar around her neck, and make her lurch around my living room on all fours while I intermittently put Newport Light cigarettes out in the small of her back.

You might think I’m not too fond of Mischa Barton, and you’d be absolutely right. She’s got a sort of frail haughtiness about her that just makes her look weak. Although I despise her, I wouldn’t pass up the chance to perform vicious sexual acts on her until her tears dried up.

To sum it all up:

YOUNG, BUT ALREADY WASHED-UP TV PERSONALITY

 +

 APPARENT SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM

 +

 POOR DECISION MAKING SKILLS

 -

ANY TACT OR COMPASSION ON MY PART

 =

GOOD TIMES

Pornstars I Go Absolutely Nuts For

 Aurora Snow

        This girl looks like no one else in the business. She’s got a lithe little body with a stomach so tight, you could bounce a Susan B. Anthony dollar off of it. Add to that a big, loopy smile, a pair of doe eyes than slant down ever-so-slightly, and an enormously elastic asshole, and you’ve got the incredible Aurora Snow.

        And the lovely Ms. Snow has an incredible jailbait vibe around her. Watching her get railed and splattered with prick paste makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong. She gets bonus points for being a producer and director, and super bonus points for the inhuman noises she makes when getting one rammed into her shitpipe; a collection of squeaks, grunts, and gurgles that instantly put the stiffness into my sail.

        Recently (and unfortunately), Aurora has dyed her naturally brown hair to blond. Aren’t there enough blondes in the business already? Here’s hoping that this is a temporary condition, and Ms. Snow goes back to nature soon.

Isabel Ice

          British, willing to get it stuck anywhere, and still holding on to some fetching baby fat? Sign me up.

        Isabel Ice is hot, smokin’ stuff from across the pond, and stateside actresses could stand to learn a few things from her. She sucks cock like she hasn’t had a meal in days, constantly looks like she wants to get fucked harder, and looks forward to a hot blast of cum like it’s a gift from the gods. And don’t get me started on that accent.

        C’mon, this gal says she doesn’t like stretching out before anal because she likes to feel the pain. Isabel Ice, my cock dubs thee royalty.

Kylie Richards

        It certainly doesn’t hurt that Kylie Richards is absolutely adorable, but she seems like she loves to fuck, one of the things that really makes an adult star in my eyes.

        And it seems like she’s got a little bit of goofiness to her as well. She carries on conversations about where she buys her porn DVDs while blowing some lucky bloke, professes her undying love for Victoria’s Secret, and poutily asks for a promised gift bag after getting a huge load blasted all over her pretty mug. She’s got a great voice, good cadence, and seems as sharp as a tack; a rarity in the adult world.

        You really get the feeling that you’d like hanging out with this girl, and not just because she throws a seriously enthusiastic fuck.

        If I had to find any fault, only one thing comes to mind. From a Kylie interview:

“…but I can’t do anal for the life of me. I tried to do it myself once, using fingers. I dressed really hot and tried to seduce myself. But it’s not my thing.”

        Kylie, let me say this. Even if you never submit to a porking in the butt on film, do me a favor. Please film one of your attempts at self-seduction, and send it to me. I’ll gladly pay for postage. And the DVD. And the envelope. I’m not hard to contact.

Three Celebrities That I Would Do Horrible Things To

Genesis Rodriguez           

          Yeah, a lot of you probably have no idea who the hell this is. And up until last week, neither did I.                   

          Genesis Rodriguez (in addition to sharing a name with the greatest Sega product of all time) is one of the stars of Telemundo’s Dame Chocolate, an incomprehensible mess of a Mexican soap opera having something to do with a girl fulfilling her destiny in the chocolate industry. High concept indeed.          

          I would begin by slapping her around, which would hopefully cause her to start swearing at me in Spanish. And that would be hot. Her “Latin temper” would probably ensure I’d be in for one hell of a fight before being able to subdue her, but that’s a battle I’d win.                   

          After reducing the comely young lady to a submissive and tearful state, I’d show my American patriotism by doing her from behind for a while, like an animal. And then, just because she’s got a really pretty pair of peepers, I’d flip her over and nut off in her eye. After finishing, I’d grab her by the ear and lead her to the door, where I’d dump her on my front lawn. If I had time, maybe I’d spray her with the garden hose or something.                   

          Her fiery Latin blood. My prick paste clouding her vision. The bruises that will eventually swell up on her cheeks. Red, white, and blue, baby. I love America. 

Michelle Trachtenberg

          

          Oh, this one’s easy. I wouldn’t wash my hands for a week, and then shove a small handful of Valium down her throat with my foul fingers. When she’s done gagging, next comes the beer bong filled with Merlot.                   

          After a half hour, when she’s good and loopy, I’d sodomize her over the edge of a chair while forcing her to watch The Ice Princess on a 52 inch plasma screen. To make things a little more uncomfortable, I’d ask her all the questions about the film that aren’t answered in the audio commentary, like “Did you do all your own skating in the movie?” and “How does that feel in your butt?” 

Billie Piper 

         

          I’ll admit it; I’d be sorely tempted to lock this one in the basement, and never let her go. But a more humane approach would be to do such things to this saucy little strumpet that she would stay a voluntary captive.                   

          But she’d have to do a few things for me. In addition to allowing me to plaster her face with man caulk several times a day, the beautiful Ms. Piper would have to sing any one of her British pop hits on command, and call me “guvuner”. It would also really help if she’d be enthusiastic about getting it up the pooper, because it’ll be going there a lot.                   

          Between sessions, I’d ask her questions about Christopher Eccelson, like if he was pissed that he didn’t get the role of the young Grand Moff Tarkin in Revenge of the Sith. I’ll bet he was.